*

1 AM, All alone, my friends are gone, I’ve lost my student card, I didn’t study more than 3 hours today, and I spent $40 last night on some ultra stupid website, and I missed a very important appointment with a friend. I think I have all the possible reasons to feel guilty. And so do I feel, stressed and guilty; And ashamed.

I only need to talk to someone. How I wanted to ask Shaghayegh to stay, I wanted Reza to go, and Shaghayegh to stay, I need to talk to someone.

We will not talk together anymore. We will not even chat anymore. We are totally separated now, after all these years, after 5 years, 5 years, “We must be crazy to throw it all away. Never knowing what is lost, before it’s all too late” .. simply 5 years. And we will not even talk together anymore…

I feel kind of .. cracked. Yeah. I exactly feel like cracked. I look alright, I pretend to be all ok, but I know that something is changed inside. Like a cracked cup that is still a cup, and it still has all its functionalities, but …it’s cracked anyhow. And it will never be uncracked again. I feel that my soul is cracked. My pure, lovely, free soul looks old and cracked.. And you feel relieved, that you finally could get rid of me.

I need a shoulder, not to cry, to lean on for a while, to put my head on, to relax, and I am here. All alone. All on my own, no support is out there. This is life, the harsh, real undecorated face of it: “nobody cares”. And I am freezing and stoning.

“There’s just too much that time can not erase,…
Those wounds wouldn’t seem to heal. I m not gonna grieve anymore, I am not gonna cry, I am simply becoming silent, burying all those wounds down deep in my soul, ignoring them, and sink in the silence … silence and only silence.